Since March, I have had plenty of time to teach my kids the importance of social distancing and how everyone has a responsibility to take precautions to protect those of us who are the most vulnerable. They get it. My kids have proven to be much more resilient than I expected and I am super proud of them.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have had several conversations with my kids about what has been happening specific to the racial injustice in our country. There were moments when I felt overwhelmed and struggled with just how much information I needed to share with them. I did not want to frighten Leah or exasperate Thomas’s anxiety.
One evening over dinner, Leah mentioned that she had heard about a bad word that is sometimes used to describe black people. She did not know what the word was and was curious about it. Initially, Mark and I struggled with how to respond because neither of us wanted to even say that nasty word. I quickly realized this was one of those teachable moments that cannot be planned and I needed to take full advantage of the opportunity. I told my daughter that she would only hear me say this awful word ONCE because she needs to know what it is in order to understand that she should never use the word. I told her that if she ever hears someone use that word to tell a trusted adult. Initially, her eyes widened with dismay as I gave her a brief age appropriate history of the word and why others continue to use it humiliate and degrade blacks. Eventually her wide eyes narrowed into anger and frustration at how some people still choose to use that word. It was an uncomfortable but necessary conversation.
Yesterday, Leah pulled out her art supplies and found a couple of small canvases Mark had recently purchased for at home art projects. On one canvas she made a colorful handprint with the message “We can do this”. When I asked her about the painting she told me that she wanted to encourage everyone as we continue to social distance. On a second canvas she painted a flower with six petals. She brought it to me and said that she intended to write one word on each petal.
She said, “On these three petals I am going to write Black Lives Matter and in the other three I am going to write All Lives Matter.”
I paused, careful to not overreact. Here was another one of those teachable moments.
I explained to Leah the difference in the two statements and how careful we all must be with the words we choose. I realized in that moment that I cannot shield her from everything. She will hear words and phrases used by others and she may not fully understand the meaning and intention behind some of those words. I encouraged her to choose her words more carefully so she decided on Black. Lives. Matter. Peace. Love. Hope.
After she finished her artwork I took the opportunity to talk about the protests that have been occurring in Richmond over the past couple of weeks. We talked about what has happened to the monuments on Monument Avenue and why people are feeling angry and sad. I told her that I thought it would be a good idea for us to drive to Monument Avenue so that we could see with our own eyes what has been happening.
My nine year old peered up at me with wide eyes and said, “Mom, what if someone shoots us?”
And this was the exact moment when I realized that I had not done my job as a parent. I had failed to take full advantage of the teachable moment that has been front and center for weeks now.
This morning, I packed up some bottles of water, hustled the kids out of the house and headed downtown to the Robert E. Lee Monument. While we drove to downtown Richmond, I turned down the radio and talked to my kids about the daily protests, the rioting, the looting, the racial injustice and prepared them for what they would see. They were curious, Thomas interjecting several times to answer some of Leah’s questions. He was thoughtful as he explained, in his own terms, to his baby sister why people are so angry and sad. I warned them about the words that they would see spray painted on the monuments. I warned them about the phrases they would see and hear. I gave space for them to share their thoughts and listened without judgement. As we approached Monument Avenue Thomas pointed out the businesses that had boarded up their doors and windows. I took the time to explain why many of the downtown businesses were taking precautions.
We found a parking space about a block away from the Robert E. Lee monument. We parked, grabbed our water bottles and headed south across Broad Street. I could see a small crowd gathered around the base of the monument. I squinted into the sun and noticed the graffiti and spray painted symbols from a block away. I took a deep breath and pressed on.
“Wow, mom look at all the colors. It’s like a rainbow” Leah said as she slipped her hand in mine and started to bounce with excitement. I smiled at her innocent observation, knowing that as we approached the monument, her mood would likely become more somber.
Thomas, my almost 15 year old, was stoic and quiet as he trailed behind, deep in his thoughts. I knew better than to invade his space as he began to process what he was about to experience.
As we approached the monument I was struck by the sheer size. I had never really noticed just how huge the Robert E Lee monument is. The three of us stepped onto the grass surrounding the monument, hesitant to move too quickly as we took everything in for the first time. There was so much to process. The words, the phrases, the pictures, the symbols, the sounds and the faces of recent victims. I allowed my children to have several minutes to let it all sink in. Leah asked a few questions while Thomas remained silent, his arms crossed, his brow furrowed. At one point, I stepped back and took a picture of the two of them, standing side by side, with earnest attention as they observed history in the making.
We wandered over to a tent where a local group was giving away free gatorade and snacks. Leah was thirsty so I offered a cash donation to the volunteers as one lady offered us an ice cold Gatorade. I struck up a conversation with a man named Eddie. He was friendly and insightful and introduced himself to both of my children. He said that he has been at the monument almost every day since the protests began because he feels it is important to have honest and open conversations with people. He was warm and inviting and I could have listened to him all day. Even Leah, who is typically shy around unfamiliar adults, asked him some questions. He watched as my children took advantage of the poster board and markers his group had provided. Eddie encouraged Thomas and Leah to create a message to be displayed on the monument. At one point, Leah made a comment to Eddie that initially made me squirm and I willed myself to stay silent.
“I like your green eyeshadow and your lipstick.” Leah said as she lowered her chin and blushed a little, unsure whether or not Eddie would appreciate her compliment.
Eddie, who was in full drag makeup and who just so happens to be gay, didn’t miss a beat.
“Oh, thank you Honey, and I like your blue top.” He said with a wink and Leah smiled from ear to ear.
I excused myself so that I could accompany the kids over to the monument to display their posters. As we walked hand in hand I asked Leah if she had any questions about Eddie and why he was wearing makeup.
“No. Sometimes boys wear makeup and sometimes girls wear boy’s clothes but, I don’t care. He was really nice.”
And my heart swooned! I let the moment sink in and I pulled out my camera to film my children as they carefully chose where to display their posters on the monument. Leah noticed a display of flowers, Virginia peanuts, apples and other produce. Along with the display was a sign that Leah chose to read aloud.
Please take one to offer as a sign of solidarity.
Leah picked out a pretty purple hydrangea and decided that she wanted to place it in front of one of the many picture memorials of blacks whose lives were lost too soon. I walked behind her as she scanned each picture until she stopped in front of one in particular. Tears rolled down my cheek as I watched my daughter lay the flower in front of the memorial of a young black girl, not much younger than my daughter when she was killed.
I write this blog post with a range of emotions. I am sad and angry that our country still has so much work to do regarding racial injustice. I am listening and learning and trying to identify how I can contribute. I am also grateful, as a mother, to have had so many teachable moments over the past three months. Today my children had a history lesson on how things used to be, a social studies lesson on how things still are and a philosophy lesson on where we need to be. I am truly humbled by today’s experience and I stand with my black friends, neighbors and co-workers. Black Lives Matter!
Below are a couple of pictures from our experience and a picture of Leah’s artwork.