distance learning – chro-NICK-les

February 3, 2021

Ground Hog Day

Today is February 2^ndand we have been doing this pandemic thing for almost 11 months. It feels like the same thing. Every. Single. Day. In the spirit of Bill Murray’s epic movie Ground Hog Day, here are ten reasons how I relate to the feeling of being caught in a time loop for the past godforsaken eleven months.

I load and unload the dishwasher twice daily because three meals, and 45 snacks a day, has created an endless supply of dirty dishes that I pluck from the kitchen counter, the couch, the children’s’ desks, under their beds and yes, in their bathroom!

I can expect to be interrupted at 9:30 am, 11:30 am and 1:05 pm every week day because these times indicate Leah’s morning break, lunch and the end of school, all of which must coincide with a snack!

Daily virtual meetings are interrupted by a barking dog, the amazon delivery person or zoom bombed by one of my children demanding yet another freaking snack!

Opening up my Kroger App and adding the buy again list to the click list cart because I am too dang tired and unmotivated to try something new and lord forbid I do not have the right snacks in the pantry!

Opening my Chick-fil-a app for the third time in a week and choosing the buy again option for the same combo meals we had two days ago.

Starting a puzzle for the third time, because I refuse to spend another $25 on a nice puzzle (apparently I have become a puzzle snob) and remembering which section was the most challenging so I can tackle it faster this time around.

Every evening, I tune into Wheel of Fortune at 7:00 pm, squinting at the TV screen, hyper focused with my nose scrunched up in concentration while my family members solve the puzzle 3 letters in and I huff and puff that they never give me a chance to guess correctly and then fuss at my husband because he needs to apply to be on that show so he can win enough money for us to take a nice family vacation once this stupid pandemic is over!

As I scroll down my Netflix home page, I stop at the section titled watch again because either I do not remember watching something or there are no new releases that spark my interest because I have literally watched all of the things…twice.

When I turn on my computer, at the beginning of the work day, I have to double check the calendar several times to ensure I know what day it is because even though it’s Tuesday it feels like Monday, because I forgot what I did yesterday and are you sure it’s not Monday? It feels like Monday!

And last but very far from least, the daily emails, texts and phone calls from Henrico County public schools about the final decision that was made about plans to return to in person school that indicate there is no specific date to return to in person school because another meeting to make a final decision about the return to in person school will be occurring on Thursday, wait maybe the meeting is on Wednesday, no it’s definitely Thursday but does it even matter if the meeting is on Wednesday or Thursday because we are being asked to practice patience until yet another final decision can be made about when the children can return to in person school!

In the wise words of Bill Murray’s character, Phil, in Ground Hog Day.

“OK, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties ‘cause it’s cold out there. It’s cold out there EVERY DAY.”

April 15, 2020

Smoke, Mirrors and Juggling Acts

My life is a juggling act these days. I mean, it’s always been a juggling act but during this pandemic, life has thrown a hell of a lot more balls for me to juggle. I spend my days tossing those balls in the air and then running around like a chicken with her head cut off to try and catch those stupid balls before they fall to the ground.

Today was a the first day our school district launched new curriculum for online learning. Leah had been looking forward to a morning Zoom meeting with her teacher and classmates. She chose to wear her favorite shirt, a pretty blue tank top with a ruffle across the neckline and asked me to brush her hair into pigtails. She was super excited about “seeing” her friends and Mrs. Davis, her beloved 3rd grade teacher. I was happy for her too because she has been so sad and lonely the past few weeks. I helped her log on at 9:00 am, gave her a quick tutorial on how to use the chat box and the mute features. She noticed that a few of the kids had added fun virtual backgrounds and she asked me to help her pick something fun. I showed her how to make a choice and she picked an outer space backdrop that I thought looked very cool. I watched as she waved to her peers, giggled at their silly antics and bounced in her chair with anticipation. The joy on her face was a beautiful thing for this stressed out Mommy and I found myself bouncing in my own chair as I “pretended” to work so that she could focus on her classwork.

Leah’s teacher did an amazing job navigating the virtual classroom and gave clear concise directions and the kids responded accordingly. After about fifteen minutes of icebreakers and fun brainteasers, the agenda began to shift a bit to the new schoolwork that would begin today. And that is when I felt it, a palpable shift in my baby girls emotions. I narrowed my eyes and tilted my head as I processed what I saw happening in front of me. It was subtle at first as she began to pull on her pigtails while shifting in her seat and taking a sip of water from the glass I had placed in front of her. I watched as the water trickled down her chin and onto her blouse because the sip of water was too big. When she noticed that she had dripped water onto her blouse, she turned and looked at me with a look of panic and embarrassment on her face and she motioned for me to come over.

“What’s up baby?” I whispered while she made sure she was muted on the Zoom.

She reached for my hand and asked me to stay by her side. She motioned for me to make sure I was off camera because she was afraid that her classmates would see and she was embarrassed to be feeling so vulnerable in front of her peers. I held my daughter’s hand for the next 15 minutes and watched as the joy that had been on her face moments before quickly progressed through a roller coaster of emotions as she began to experience insecurity, hesitance, confusion, trepidation, irritation and ultimately exasperation.

As the Zoom wrapped up and everyone signed off, she turned to me and crossed her arms across her chest in an act of defiance. My daughter is like me in that when she is scared or sad she tends to hide it with anger or defiance.

“I can’t do it, Mom.” Leah said as she fought back tears, collapsing on my bed in frustration.

“What do you mean, Honey?” I asked.

“It’s too hard and I don’t know how.” she said burying her face in the pillow.

I sat down next to her, rubbed her back and gently explained that she is just a little out of practice and I offered to help her with her daily assignments. I reminded her that I have a job that allows me to work from home so that I can help with school work from now until the end of the school year.

She looked up at me, with that freckled face, on the verge of tweendome expression, rolled her eyes and said, “Yeah right.”

Leah saw right through my bullcrap. She knows the gig is up. My nine year old sees how overwhelmed I have been and that I have been dropping all of the balls (well, most of them) in my mom juggling act, including homeschooling. It’s all been a bunch of smoke and mirrors the past few weeks as I try to juggle work and home. I’m watching my children struggle and I can’t do anything about it. I am all out of magic tricks because I’m struggling too and I don’t know when it will end or at least get a little better.

I know, I know, I know! Things could be a lot worse. Mark and I still have jobs when so many others have been laid off or furloughed. We live in a nice home and our children attend top notch schools that have the technology to provide online instruction. We are all healthy with no pre-existing conditions that put us in a high risk category if we to contract COVID 19. When I think about how fortunate we are, I start to feel guilty, ashamed and selfish. And when I feel guilty, ashamed and selfish I start to feel bad about myself and when I feel bad about myself, I lose motivation and get easily distracted and irritable and I drop the balls….all of the balls.

As the day progressed, she started to feel better and her dad helped her understand the timeline of assignments so that she doesn’t get overwhelmed. This evening she and I were walking through the neighborhood hand in hand chatting about our day. At one point I sighed heavily and she noticed.

Nothing gets by my observant and perceptive daughter so she asked, “You okay, Mom?”

“Sure baby, it’s just been a tough day.” as I squeezed and patted her hand.

“Why was it so hard? Was it your job?” she asked peering up at me behind a furrowed brow.

“Honey, I have been worried about you today.” I said as I gently tugged at her pigtails and explained that it’s my job as her mom to keep her healthy, happy and safe. I explained to her that I have a job that also has responsibilities. We talked about how confusing it probably has been for her when I have to work even though I am at home with her all day. She nodded as she processed what I said and quickly changed the subject to what she wanted for dinner.

After dinner I wondered up to my bedroom and sat down at my computer to type this post because writing is cathartic for me. As Leah played with her barbies in the bathtub, I decided to wonder in and touch base one more time just to see how she was feeling. I told her that I have always liked stories because sometimes they help me to understand my feelings. My daughter enjoys analogy so I explained how moms sometimes feel like they are jugglers, trying to keep too many balls in the air at one time and sometimes those balls drop. She nodded as she began to process.

“But you know what is cool about some of those balls?” I asked. “Some of them bounce and I can easily catch them after a bounce and toss them in the air again.”

“I get it.” She declared.

I hope she does get it. I hope she understands that I am trying really hard and sometimes I feel like she did this morning and I think to myself, I can’t do this. It’s too hard and I don’t know how. The reality is that life, right now, feels like smoke and mirrors to me most days. I’m going through the day to day tasks of work, cleaning, cooking, parenting, homeschooling and trying to convince my kids that I am fine. At the end of the day I will drop a few balls but at least, thank god, most of them will bounce. Until then, I’ll just try to enjoy the Circus.

Below is a picture of Leah at the beginning of her Zoom class when she was all smiles. The second picture is me holding her hand to get her through to the end. I will always hold her hand through the tough times!

April 3, 2020April 3, 2020

“When words fail, music speaks” Shakespeare

The Brandenburger family just finished our third week of social distancing, telework and homeschool. I feel like I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and I’ve had a hard time articulating my thoughts. Words, especially written words, come easily to me when it comes to expressing how I am feeling. For the past three weeks, I’ve been unable to find the right words until today.

As I finished up my work week this morning, I was listening to one of my favorite music stations on Pandora. This particular music station is comprised of artists from the late 80s and early 90s including punk rock, alternative rock and rap. I don’t know who was in charge at Pandora today but the algorithm was spot on! I found myself bobbing my head, playing air drums and dancing in my chair as song after song sparked memories from a simpler time in my life. As I listened to the music, the lyrics began to speak to me and I started to identify words that expressed how I have been feeling. Maybe the next time you need a little inspiration or pep talk the following song lyrics will speak to you like they did to me today.

When you are feeling like a failure and want to give up. “Try again tomorrow I’m gonna kick tomorrow” Jane Says by Jane’s Addiction

When the kids are driving you crazy. “Well I think I’m losing my mind, this time, this time I’m losing my mind, that’s right” So What’cha Want by Beastie Boys

When you are longing to see your friends and family again. “I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you that I almost believe that they’re real” Pictures of You by the Cure

When you feel sad. “Said there ain’t no use in crying ’cause it will only, only drive you mad” Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin

When you feel panicky and want to run away from everything but you can’t because well….coronavirus. “Escape is never the safest path” Dissident by Pearl Jam

When your kids don’t understand that you are trying to work at home, cook three meals a day, keep up with laundry, homeschool etc. and you hope that one day they will appreciate all of the sacrifices and they FINALLY give you credit for literally keeping them alive every single day. “What I’ve got you’ve got to give it to your mama, what I’ve got you’ve got to give it to your pappa.” Give it Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers

When you realize how much you really like your coworkers and you begin to appreciate the fact that it’s not just you that is still in their pajamas with unbrushed hair and no makeup while you participate in a Zoom meeting. “Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be” Come as You Are by Nirvana

When you are scared about the future and how life as we know it is changed forever. “Honey, I know, I know, I know times are changing. It’s time we all reach out for something new, that means you too.” Purple Rain by Prince

When you begin to doubt you will make it another two months or longer. “Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?” Landslide by Fleetwood Mac

When you need a reminder that social distancing is for the greater good. “You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time. There’s nothing you and I won’t do.” I Melt with You by Modern English

When you are feeling judged by others after you put your feelings out there on social media. “Now who do you think you are, puttin’ your cheap two cents in? Don’t you got nothin’ to do than worry ’bout my friends? Check it!” None of Your Business by Salt-n-Pepa

When you STILL can’t find hand sanitizer and toilet paper in the grocery store and the cashier asks if you found everything you need. “But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.” I still haven’t found what I’m looking for by U2

When you day dream about what it will be like to be around people (other than your immediate family) again. “I came to get down, I came to get down, so get out your seat and jump around!” Jump Around by House of Pain

And when you think about how this pandemic is reshaping our world and how we interact with one another, you can listen to this classic and know that we will get through this together. “It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine It’s in the End of the World by REM

I miss all of you!!

March 16, 2020March 16, 2020

Distance Learning 2020

The past week has been a difficult and scary time for so many. Unprecedented times call for unprecedented changes. When our school district announced that schools would be closed for two weeks I felt torn between relief and dread. Relief that social distancing would help to flatten the curve of this virus and dread as I tried to wrap my head around how I might find a balance between work and home.

I am fortunate enough to have a job where telework is possible. We are also fortunate to have a school district that already relies on technology and online resources for instruction so Distance Learning is quite feasible. Today marked the first day of Distance Learning for the Brandenburger kids and this is what I learned.

When I feel like everything is out of my control, finding something I can control is cathartic. I made a daily schedule that I intend to stick to so that my kids have structure to their days. This is not a vacation and they need to understand that their father and I still expect them to learn and complete chores while we stick close to home over the next two weeks. They need a sense of normalcy to their day because nothing about social distancing seems very normal to us right now.

A sense of humor can go a long way. I plan to commit to beginning school work at 10:00 am Monday through Friday. This morning, I found a sound clip on YouTube of a school bell. When the microwave clock showed 10:00 am, I promptly pressed play on the YouTube video and rang the bell announcing that “School is in session.” You can guess which one of my children was the LEAST enthusiastic about school with mom (hint, it was the big one who is very sarcastic and hormonal at the moment).

Each child will need support in a different way. Thomas prefers to work alone these days. He is used to the online site utilized by his teachers to assign work. When I offered to help, his eye roll and long dramatic sigh told me to back off and that is exactly what I did. Leah, on the other hand, was all about having her mom help with school work. We worked on a google slide presentation and she asked me to help her take pictures to use in the assignment. Leah is very extroverted and literally thinks out loud, ALL DAY LONG! There is not much that she keeps to herself these days. My aspirations of being able to work while she completed school work were shot all to hell because she literally talked me through every single step of her school work. She needed reassurance that the picture she chose was the perfect one. She asked me to look at the colors she chose for the background of each slide. She asked me to check her spelling and sentence structure for mistakes. Oddly enough, when her brother offered to help she shot him a nasty glare that made Thomas throw his hands in the air and say, “Fine I was just trying to help.” Leah will need a lot of support from us over the next two weeks. She really misses her classmates and her teacher and I will do my best to fill that void but, I swear if I hear “Hey mom” one more time today……

They need to be separated while working. Because Thomas works independently, he found it a bit distracting to have his sister sitting at the same table while she talked through EVERY SINGLE aspect of her assignment. Starting tomorrow, Thomas will be at the kitchen table and Leah will be with me in the office.

I need to be kind to myself. Although I am very comfortable teaching others and do it fairly often, I am not very patient when teaching my own children. I found myself having to take lots of deep breaths and walk away a couple of times to regroup. I felt guilty for wanting to snap back at Thomas when his snarky teenager comments crossed a line. I felt irritated that Leah needed me by her side nearly the entire time she worked on her assignment. Bottom line, it was overwhelming. This whole damn virus thing is overwhelming and I have to let myself feel that way every once in a while. It’s important to acknowledge the fear and anger and move past it. I have a choice to make this experience memorable in a good way or memorable in a bad way. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes but I need to forgive myself and move on.

Teachers are worth way more than they are paid. DUH, no explanation needed.